The following events are a true story as unbelievable as they may sound.
We have traveled a hero’s journey to be here. Many good men were lost along the way. It still brings a tear to my eyes.
Let me tell you the horrific events that will bring you tremendous respect for the few men who survived the greatest battle of our time.
It all started when Mickey Mouse got so power hungry that he put this dickfuck in charge of the largest sports website in the world – ESPN.
We are everything you would NOT expect heroes to look like.
Just a ragtag group of work procrastinators, pervents, homers, and people trying to discuss sports, boobs, and all things random on an internet sports website.
We sang a song of a different tune.
We didn’t read articles and we still don’t. That was our charm. Kevin Seifert posts another Viking Stadium update? TLDR. Don’t care. Straight to the comments where Horse could turn this monstrosity of an article into a pull tab joke.
And so we commented.
Every day was a peaceful day like that until…
*Duh. Duh. Duh.*
In every possible way, it was a normal day.
…and then it began.
The defining war of our time
Darth flaggot had found a loophole in the system.
Carnage. Chaos. Wreckage. We didn’t see it coming.
One internet troll had decided to show up and ruin everyone’s fun by flagging every single post on the website.
Surely internet moderators would see through this shenanigan and side with the majority? Ban the flaggot immediately!
Wrong! Mass bannings ensued…
…but darth flaggot was not among them.
And that’s when the empire pleaded to the one man who could fix this mess.
*Enter Steve Brock.*
Supreme overlord of the Mickey Mouse commenting empire.
“Dear Steve, you’re our only hope”
“Steve. There is a flaggot on the loose. We’re all being banned. Good men are being lost out there. You’re losing your internet following to one flaggot. You need to do something NOW!”
But the Mouse had grown too drunk with power. He didn’t need any of our comments and he knew it.
He would break all rules of internet etiquette and decide that mass flaggoting was no longer a crime by the empire’s crooked rules. All rules were now the rules of the evil dictator.
The replies are still an epic comedy.
“I banned with you because you said she’s so hot I’d eat the peanuts out of her shit.”
But what if she was that hot and everyone agreed? It was a terrible crime but no one could fight the law and win.
There is no reasoning with men of power in the empire. Their rules were clear and in writing for all to see the horror and misery.
Not only would he allow the flags to keep flying but he would ban MORE… and MORE… and MORE.
And he would always side with the empire no matter how asinine the rule. We were powerless.
He would burn this place to the ground before he’d let someone say “butt” or “toilet”.
And then one day without warning our home was no more
Lost. Broken. Beaten.
Even the weather forecast was bleak.
It was at that moment that a great knight would rise for the rebellion.
Chris Keal would start a counter attack.
“I will build my own website with this huge faggot Alex Bader. Come with me my flock and live in peace free of the empire. I shall steal the empires articles and post them as our own. It will be just like home but without the tragic wars and evil empire’s rule.”
And so we lived in relative peace. Time passed and life was full of boob gifs yet again.
But then tragedy struck again.
Huge faggot buttlord Alex Bader would get drunk with power.
“I will make this website more popular by eliminating you guys and having a big faggoty 49ers circle jerk 24-7. It’s the foolproof way to expand from $1.19/day to 10 million new users per day.”
Even a talking Pineapple could not reason with him.
The buttlord had perfectly timed his attacks to another one of Keal’s meth and hooker binges and we were powerless to stop it.
We were homeless yet again
There we were, a fallen flock with little means of communication to formulate a counter-attack.
We were lost but we had the strength and resolve for having conquered this road before.
Besides, Jordy “shootgap” Nelson had a plan.
“I know this Hobo who will give us a new home,” he said.
We were skeptical but we trotted onward. What other choice did we have? Do actual work during the day? Not post boob gifs?
I shudder at such a world.
And it was like home again. Everyone rejoiced.
We shared boobs. We shared racism. We called people fags. Everything was right in the universe once again.
But all good things must come to an end.
The rebellion leaders Hobo, McNutty, and Robb could not agree on a direction.
“We are no more,” they said.
We had to do something and this time we would not be beaten.
What if we built our own utopia?
It was time for the gypsy life to end and build a modern day utopia.
Communist Pi and his right hand aquatic animal Callabos would build and create.
I mean not just a place but THE place.
A place where men can discuss boobs. A place where men can be anonymously racist on the internet. A place where we can post poop gifs and actually be appreciated for our toilet humor.
That place is here. That place is football and poop.
You call it a shithole? I call it THE shithole.
There is no nicer place to take a dump and discuss football and life with a group of legendary heros.
Honor these knights. Their journey defines the true path to heroism.
Their great sacrifice is why you can freely share boob gifs on the internet today. Our leaders fought valiantly so you could experience this joyous freedom. Use it wisely… (I suggest by playing Asteroids and smashing a warvette article to bits.)
Here are the great men in our hall of fame who have risen as football and poop knights:
- Brew City
- Crazy Seal That Went Crazy and Never Came Back From Crazytown
- Detroit Steve
- Gary Busey’s Teeth
- Jeff Schulz
- Kevin’s cousin
- Packfan in Vegas
These great men stand for truth, justice, and all things sacred in this world.
But know our jedi path. Know that if you cannot laugh at life, you cannot hang with us. We will eat you alive in humor.
Now if you’re still reading this, quit being an article reader and go comment on some articles. It is the only way to save the human race. This is the freedom we have provided you.
Lord Pi over and out. May the force be with you.