YOUR MEGACORRESPONDENT WARVETTE GOTCHYER SUPERGAME COVERAGE COVERED!
As usual per my annual trek, I put my belongings in a bandana tied around a stick, then rollerbladed, hitchhiked, hang-glided, and crawled the rest of the way to the big game, this time in the mistake of the south: Houston. Good thing I remembered to take a left turn at Albuqueerque! I tried getting ahold of R8Rfan to grab a beer when I was in Austin, but she said she was too busy hanging out with Seal. Anyway, fuck them bitches, Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY is here! Just look:
This place is a fucking shithole of monumental proportions. It’s so far away from the real world, there’s actual Mexicans everywhere. I’m trying to blend in by getting a spray tan and doing yardwork, but they still know I’m white, as I’ve been offered free shrimp and mojitos everywhere I go. Don’t these people know I work for a living? (kinda..)
I’m supposed to be covering a game, but fuck this shit, I’ve really been shmoozing with the uppercrust like the hoi-poloi I am, and that’s cool with me as long as the shrimps and liquors keep coming. Oh shit there’s Drew “Cool” Brees! Hey dude, you got something on your face right there… on your cheek right.. oh ok never mind.
To satisfy my press credential requirement, I had to take part in a couple meet-n-greets with players but that didn’t turn out so good. When I asked one player from the Cheatriots how my hair looked, he just said “The League screwed us”. I assume he meant he was there to appreciate my stellar facial hair, but alas, so is everyone else! But all ass, I’ve been keeping focused on why I’m really here: doing lines of blow off young skanks’ tits and butts. Goddamn Busey has ALL the hookups.
There are a couple famous Falcons fans here like Ludacris but he was too busy spinning his shirt above his head like a helicopter, and I think he’s a Packers fan but something was a little off.. other than that, it seems NOBODY cares about this shitfest.
I mean FUCK these teams, right? What kind of piece of shit cares who wins this game as long as the loser is humiliated and/or loses by cheating or act of god or Trump, or the entire stadium gets sucked into a sinkhole or giant vortex of justice like we all pray for? We’re all rooting for something. Just not for anyone to win.
I asked some randoms why they were here, and I got a pretty universal response: “To see carnage on the field and to be in awe of your heavenly, manly, and timeless bearded good looks, Warvette!” That’s to be expected I guess. Wherever I go, there I am taking the spotlight away from whatever. It’s a curse more than a blessing.. Keal knows what I’m talking aboot.
So just in cast this act of Trump happens and the shitty warehouse of a stadium gets hit by lightning-tornad0-earthquakes, I’m heading out the night before the game, but not before I’ve done enough blow off enough young skanks’ supple flesh to clog my nose forever so I don’t have to ever witness the Packers coming so close to WHY GOD, FUCKIN WHY YOU SONOFABITCH THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!!!!! Alls I know is the Packers had better fire everyone and sign all the free agents this offseason.
I’m rooting for the Falcons, but if I was betting I’d put my money on the Patriots. 4 rookies starting for the Falcons defense? Fuggetaboutit.
Fuckit, I’m outta here. GO NOBODY!
Also, is this lifewyre thing going to last much longer…..??